Being Aware

 There are times I question myself or my decision to pursue tennis to the professional level. Questioning feels like a common part of the journey, however when I am traveling alone, it seems to happen more often. Thoughts tend to arise like, “what am I doing in this country where I don’t speak the language?” Despite these thoughts, I remind myself not to identify with them, rather acknowledging their presence and to nonjudgmentally allow them to be. Yes, I use them to inspire me to do my daily fitness or put down my phone when I catch myself doomscrolling. I continue to push myself to be aware: aware of what I am doing, aware of my intentions, aware of who I’m around, aware of my thoughts, and most of all, aware of the present moment.

It often comes in waves, that is my ability to remain present. Little cues are often the most helpful when trying to restart the cycle again, like journaling, yoga, meditation, cooking, running, or simply breathing. Each of these activities help me find the present. For a good chunk of my college career, I was focused on these habits but lacked some intentionality behind my actions. This was not because of negligence, but rather ignorance. Now I understand how difficult it was, at times, for my past self to find purpose behind my habits and to continue them indefinitely. I have fortunately now found greater purpose behind these habits because they are awareness cues for my consciousness. When I get distracted by external factors, I now have the skill to fall back upon my habits to bring me back to the present… and for that I am grateful.